Helping a Child With Developmental Challenges

Question: A student in my pre-k class of 4 and 5 year olds cries easily and often, especially when he is not allowed to do something and at naptime and whenever I leave the room. I am told that he is developmentally disabled.  Does that have anything to do with the frequent crying? I would welcome suggestions.

Adele Brodkin: I suspect that you and this child have been short-changed on the special help that he needs. All too often, a child with behavioral and developmental difficulties is sent into a regular classroom with no hints for the teacher about how to help him while managing the full load of early childhood classroom responsibilities. Sending in a note with the label “developmentally disabled” is not enough. It tells you only that he is likely to be out of synch with his peers—something you can quickly discover for yourself; but then what?

It is clear that this particular child is having separation anxiety, perhaps even panics when you leave the room and when he is asked to rest alone. I would advise you to go back to the source of the “developmentally disabled” label and ask how it was established. If he has not been seen recently by a full cadre of early childhood mental health and pediatric experts, a referral for those work-ups is essential. If he has been seen, you should be privy to the description of his difficulties and the suggestions for helping him and his family. Is he ready to be away from his parents for a school day? Should there be a trained aide in the classroom assigned just to him?  What kind of out of school intervention has been recommended, and have the recommendations been followed? You are absolutely entitled to answers to these and all your questions; and perhaps more critically, the child and his family are entitled to outside help for his suffering.

A Child Who Doesn't Listen

Question: There is a child in my group who often refuses to listen, and nothing I do seems to help. What do I do?

Myrna Shure: Not listening can refer to refusing to do what asked, that is, intentional ignoring your requests, or it can refer to not paying attention.  For refusing to do what asked, you can ask, “How do you think I feel when you don’t listen to me?”  “What can you do so I won’t feel that way?”  You can also ask, “Can you answer in a way so I’ll know you heard me?”  These are questions the child is not used to, and these positive ways will likely get a response.

Shifting to a positive approach can help.  Whether intentional ignoring or not paying attention, start with a game that I have found children as young as age four love to play.  Bring a small group of children together.  Say “We’re going to play a game called the What Do We Like game.”  Start with a child who listens well, and say, “I’m going to name 5 things that make me feel happy, and you have to listen carefully and remember them.  I like strawberries, jewelry, flowers, fruit, and when my children listen to me.  Now you tell me what five things I just said.”  Let the child repeat them (other children can help, if needed).  Now ask the child to name five things that makes him happy.  Children beam because now the teacher has to remember what they say.  Now bring the child who doesn’t listen to the front and repeat the game with that child, with you first naming 5 things and then the child.  Ask the group, “If I were not listening, could I remember what (_____) said?  If (_____) were not listening, could he remember what I said?” 

When this child is really not listening, you can remind him of the “What Do We Like game.”  One teacher, noticing a child was not listening simply said, “I like strawberries.”  Remembering that game and the fun they had playing it stopped him in his tracks, he smiled, and that was the end of that.  This approach may help this child listen too.

An Exceptionally Creative Three-Year-Old

Question: A three year old in my preschool class “marches to a different drummer.” He is a prolific role player, with roles as diverse as an orchestra conductor, a basketball referee, or an artist who makes windmills or flags. He arrives at preschool with his “role” firmly in mind.  We teachers are not able to redirect his attention to group activities. He insists on being called by his current role’s title.   We have indulged him on that, but he becomes very uncooperative, crying, upset, pleading, if our planned task is not related in some way to the role he is playing. He does not play cooperatively with other children. We want to allow his creativity and different interests, but when we do not play along, he is very uncooperative. We’ve tried all our “bells and whistles” — choices, rewards, but he is incredibly focused on his own agenda.

At a special Saturday session, he decided he would only play basketball, rather than make a Mothers’ Day gift with his Dad. Should we just give him lots of solo free play and wait for maturity and self control to bring compliance?  How can we help this family?

Adele Brodkin: I know his determination is exasperating, but what an interesting child! (Easy for me to say: I am not trying to manage his classroom!) As you recognize, he is wonderfully imaginative and creative. That really does bode well for him, but adults in his world may need to adjust their plans for a time, allowing this little guy to take the play-time lead.  There are ways that you may be able to add a dose of flexibility to his mind set. Why not try to invite and incorporate some other children or even the class at large into his fantasy world and see where it goes? I suspect you can do some negotiating with him. For example, “It sounds like fun. We will all be the orchestra members for you to conduct. Tell us what instruments we should each pretend to play. And then later, someone else will have a turn to pick a game.”  Here is the tricky part — persuading this determined little guy that now it is time for someone else (teacher or child) to have a turn selecting an activity. I am reminded of children who have announced imaginary companions who must “participate” in every family and school activity. Those children too have an imagination that “rules,” so a little gentle bargaining is often necessary along with compromise on all sides. In the case of the imaginary companion, it is virtually always for a self-limited time — days, weeks, or months, but not forever. I am hoping the situation will be similar with your boy who is currently enthralled with his own imagination. If not, or if weeks or months is just too long in your classroom, a gentle intervention, starting with a parent-conference and any opportunity for you to get some insight into why he feels he must be “in control” might help you to cajole him into classroom cooperation.

A child like this, with a very strong sense of his own pretend identity, is going to have a hard time putting that aside for something called “Mothers’ Day” — which really means nothing to him at his age.   The average three year old will comply because the teacher is the boss, but that doesn’t make “Mothers’ Day” truly meaningful at such a young age. Try to be patient and guide him gently without allowing a power struggle.  I think the benefits might be worth it.

Children Who Prefer to Speak Spanish

Question: I work in a Pre-K class where all the students are English Language Learners. When students are communicating with me they use English but they immediately switch to their first language when they converse together and when they are not involved in a teacher guided center. I have been trying to motivate them to use more English in the class and with each other but they can’t seem to find the value in it since all their classmates and the community in which they live in all speak the same language. How can I go about motivating them to use more English in the classroom?

Polly Greenberg: I’m sure we agree that it’s great for children to have two languages; what an advantage throughout life (though it may take longer to get going in both at the beginning). And I agree with you that people need to learn English, along with maintaining their home language, if they live in a predominantly English speaking country.

I would enlist parents in this effort. Have a potluck social followed by a brief meeting to talk about “Your Child Learns English.” Try to build relationships with any amenable parent during the party and through discussion at the meeting.

1. Emphasize how important it is for children in Spanish speaking families to speak Spanish fluently so they and their parents—and grandparents—can communicate freely. If we expect parents to support our efforts we need to reassure them that we will not alienate their children from them. Also mention that many jobs require Spanish and English, so being competent in Spanish as well as English is advantageous.

2. Ask parents if they think it’s important for their child to learn English. If so why, and if not why not. See if you can get every parent present to comment on this. You never know what parents think and convey to their kids unless you ask. You might find, for example, that some parents move back and forth between countries, and because they’re here for only a few months each year, don’t consider learning English a priority. Encourage those who think it important for children to learn English to discuss this with the others—peer “teaching” is effective. The goal is to get parents to talk to each other.

3. Ask if people would like you to send home a few word cards every week with an English word and a picture or Spanish word on each card so parents can use the English words (objects and actions only) as they go about their business, becoming their child’s teacher at the same time. 

4. Ask if anyone is taking English classes. If so, compliment them and point out that they are setting an excellent example for their children. 

You probably already play action games requiring simple English words with your class, but the more you do it the better. For example, play freeze tag. To get unfrozen, the child must shout the name of a vegetable, fruit, color, or whatever category you’ve chosen and been working on at one of your centers. You say the children speak only Spanish when they play freely. What happens if you join in (not trying to alter it) and speak English as you play?

Children Who Prefer to Speak Spanish

For more information on bilingual education and research, visit the National Association for Bilingual Education at http://www.nabe.org/index.html. Also visit the National Association for the Education of Young Children at http://www.naeyc.org/ for information about English Language Learners. 

Encouraging the Use of Inside Voices While Inside

Question:  I am stuck on how to keep my kids quiet (or using inside voices) during work time.  I teach young 5’s, and they seem to get louder as the day goes on.  I have many boys in my class, and it is hard for them to use an inside voice.

Myrna Shure:  If noise during times needed for quiet is the issue, you can ask, “Does it bother you if someone else is talking while you’re working on your (e.g., shapes)?” “Can you tell me why?” Then ask, “Do you think it bothers other people if you are talking while they’re trying to do their work?”  Now ask, “What can you do so they can think about their work?”  Children will be surprised by these kinds of questions, and will likely quiet down because they thought of the idea themselves.

If voices are getting louder as the day wears on, regardless of the activity at the moment, wait until the children are gathered for story time or other group activity and ask “Who can say something (lower your voice) in an inside voice?” Next, ask “Who can say something (raise your voice) in a not-inside voice?”  Let the children have fun making up silly things to say in soft and loud voices.  Now ask, “Why do you think we need an inside voice when we’re inside?”  If needed, give a hint such as, “Can you hear me when I’m talking to you if you’re talking too loud at the same time?”  “How do the other kids feel when a lot of noise is near them?” 

When children are talking too loud, you can remind them of the questions you asked about this, and then say, “I know you can think of a way to use your inside voice now.”  Associating that question with the fun they had saying things in different levels of softness and loudness will usually result in softer voices inside.

A postscript: during free play, if no one is disturbed, it might be ok to let the children talk a little louder if they’re laughing and having fun.  They will be able to learn when quiet and not-so-quiet voices are acceptable.

Setting Limits for Parents

Question: I have been a caregiver for a boy of 3 ½ since he was 10 months old. There are rarely behavioral issues when he is with me and not his parents.  But when either or both of them are present, he becomes very aggressive, talking back, etc.  I feel he knows there will be no consequences for such behavior since the parents threaten but do not follow through. I have had many conversations with his mother to no avail.  She says he’ll be better when he’s four; and “boys will be boys”. She is wrong because he does know how to behave; but the misbehavior is becoming less and less tolerable since he now will hurt other children, including a baby. Any advice would be appreciated.

Adele Brodkin: Just as these parents should be setting limits for their child, you will have to set firm limits for them. Explain to them that when the safety of other children is at stake, there can be no waiting for a change in their son’s attitude and behavior. Either he follows the rules you set up, whether a parent is there or not, or he will not be welcome in your program any longer. If they feel they cannot do this alone, find resources for them to improve their parenting skills so they may set the behavioral bar where it belongs. This child, like every other, deserves and needs love, understanding, and consistent limits.  That does not mean punishment, threats, etc.  Hopefully, there is a family guidance program available through your town, county or church or temple affiliation. It is likely that there is much more to the story of this family’s struggles that is not for you to address; but you can guide them to the right source, while firmly sticking to your position about safe behavior at all times as the condition for staying.

How to Manage Assistants

Question: I took a new job at a Developmentally Delayed Public School classroom and found that in all the classrooms there are assistants who have more power than the teachers. They talk on their cell phones, refuse to sit with the children, are not engaged with the children nor are they redirecting children toward positive behaviors. There is a lot of punishment, harsh discipline and dragging children by the arms. The next school year will begin with a new principal and new special education director, so I would like to give the new leadership a chance to make positive changes. What can I do to make the new school year livable?

Myrna Shure: This must be an extraordinarily frustrating situation for you, but it is not hopeless.  Choose an assistant who might be the most responsive of the group.  At a moment when she is calm, try approaching her and simply say, “We’ve got a problem and I need your help to solve it.”  You will surprise her.  By involving her in the solution to the problem, she may feel important in a new, positive way.

Here’s how you can start the conversation. 

Stay calm even if the assistant gets emotional.

• Ask, “What is it that seems to be bothering us?” 
• How do you feel about this?
• What are your ideas about what we can do to solve this problem?
• I like (name idea or ideas the assistant offered).
• I have some ideas too.  We can ____ or _____ (fill in some ideas)
• What do you think of those ideas?

After brainstorming several solutions, ask:

• Which of these ideas should we try?

Pick any ideas the assistant gave and praise her for good thinking.  You might say, “You really helped to solve this problem.”

The assistant might feel so empowered, that she will spread the word to the other assistants.

I know of a similar situation that occurred between adults in an office, and the individuals involved made a project of “solving the problem together.”  They became best friends!

A Four-Year-Old Who Won’t Potty Train

Question: There is a four year old girl who had been in my class and who refuses to use the potty. She has multiple accidents daily, but doesn’t seem to care about that, so she was just recently put back down to a lower class. The mom is frustrated and doesn’t know what to do. An ultrasound revealed no medical explanation. I feel bad that the child is not getting the learning opportunity she needs; but how can I teach a classroom of 10-12 while dealing with her potty issues?

Adele Brodkin: I agree that this is a situation that requires help outside of school. The pediatrician’s role doesn’t end with a negative ultrasound.  The chances are this is a behavioral issue, not an anatomical one. It is my (anecdotal only) impression that there may be a comfortable window for toilet training that often ends at four.  Many children who are not trained by then get locked in an unfortunate power struggle. Eventually, they come around, but put up a big fight, some even endure an impacted bowel.  Make it clear to the Mom that this is no one’s fault, but the pediatrician should be guiding her. If the doctor feels it is over his or her head, a referral to a mental health professional who specializes in working with young children is in order, perhaps even an early childhood mental health team. A more complete inquiry of both possible medical and psychosocial origins of the problem is in order. Did the mother just recently give birth to baby twins? That could do it!

The school has a right to limit registration to kids of 4 who are 90% trained (Any youngster can have an occasional accident). Since it is now the end of the school year, you might give the parents an ultimatum: the child’s return to school in the fall is contingent on her being potty trained.

A Disruptive Group in the Classroom

Question: I teach PreK in Georgia and have 4 boys that drive me "crazy"! There are some diagnosed learning disabilities, but my main problem is that they tend to feed off each other and before you know it I have two classes - the 16 that are listening and performing and the 4 that are having a free for all. I've tried separation, (only works for a few minutes) time outs (only works if they are ALL in time out in separate areas), and talking to them about making good choices and not copying someone who is not, but nothing seems to work.  I feel badly for them because they are not progressing well with our curriculum and also for the rest of the class because the assistant teacher and I are so frustrated that I don't believe I'm giving them the proper attention.  Any suggestions to a very complex and difficult situation? Oh, 3 of the 4 are also second language learners, but all different languages!

Polly Greenberg: You worry because you may not be giving your four difficult little boys proper attention. Of course the definition of “proper attention” differs from child to child. You mention that the others “listen,” “perform,” and “progress with the curriculum.” It doesn’t seem that the attention these four guys need from you relates to sitting, listening, performing, and progressing with a set curriculum. So what do they need?

No teacher wants a free for all and to be driven crazy, but I would guess that if you change your goals and program for this quartet, there will be less chaos and no crazy grown-ups. 

1. Whether because they’re immature for age four, live in crowded or cramped conditions, have been medically diagnosed as hyperactive (a grossly over-used term), or are simply high energy live wires—probably one or two of these explanations fits one of the children, and another fits another—they clearly need lots of space, actually and emotionally.

If it were my class, I’d ask the assistant to spend a generous hour every day with the boys outside, in the gym, or in the rainy day exercise room, whatever your school has, so they could enjoy running, rough and tumble play, climbing, leaping, and all the other gross muscle (and  noisy) activities young boys usually love. (This in addition to outdoor time the whole class has.) I  would emphasize that this is good for them, that it’s an important part of school for them. If  yours is an all day program, I would repeat this in the afternoon. After all, until recently, most children of this age were at home in large yards, on the farm, at the park, or on city streets moving freely (and shouting loudly).   

2. On and off during the day, I would ask my assistant to supervise activities the other children are engaged in and, in a secluded spot, I would spend ten minutes reading a simple, engrossing story to one of the bouncy boys at a time, repeating a few key words each time, as learning to like books and learning English are both important. The three not being read to could be paired with calm, mature children and the partners could be assigned to separate, interesting learning centers.

3. I would recruit a volunteer to work daily, in an out-of-the-way spot, on English as a second language with each of the children who don’t speak much English. Consult an ESL teacher about appropriate lessons for four-year-olds. You might need three volunteers. Surely someone speaks their languages!

Try these actions, which should help significantly. Then we can talk about other things you may want to try.