Putting a Stop to Copy-Cat Behavior

Question:  How do you stop copy cat behavior?  When one student misbehaves and gets consequences, other students, thinking it’s ok to be put in time out or sent outside the classroom, start imitating the behavior they have seen.  What can you do?

Myrna Shure:  Sometimes children imitate misbehavior of others just to see how far they can go, testing the limits, even if what they do gets them into trouble.  For some, copying misbehavior may be their way of getting attention, and to them, negative attention is better than what they may perceive as not enough attention.  If it’s one particular child the group is imitating, it is possible that they believe the “ring leader” will like them and want to be their friend if they do what she does – regardless of the consequences.  It is even possible that a group dynamic is at play here, where one child imitating another “catches on” with other members of the group.

You can try a game I created called “The SAME-or-DIFFERENT Game.”  First, perform a motion such as patting your head.  Then pat your head again.  Ask, “Did I do the SAME thing or something DIFFERENT?”  “Let’s all do the SAME thing.”  Now say, “Let’s all do something DIFFERENT.”  You can show some examples such as stamping your foot.  Next time a child imitates misbehavior, you can remind him of this game and ask, “Can you think of something DIFFERENT to do now?”  Most children simply smile and that’s all that needs to be said.

If the problem is deeper, such as thinking that’s how she’ll make friends, you can ask, “Can you think of a DIFFERENT way to show (name child) that you want to be her friend?’ 

You can also introduce feelings, by asking, “Can you think of something DIFFERENT to do that will make (name a child) feel happy?  These kinds of techniques will help children who have a need to copy others, at least copy positive pro- social behaviors.  In time, they will come to see the benefits and perform those behaviors on their own.

How To Best Meet a Child's Special Needs

Question: I have a child in my kindergarten classroom who is being tested for autism. He is a sweetheart, but is unable to follow classroom rules and is often out of his seat and bothering other children, wanting my full attention, etc. How can I best meet his needs as well as teach the others? How do I explain to the other children that he has different rules due to his needs?

Adele Brodkin: Your question is very important. Hopefully by now the diagnostic testing and multi-discipline consideration of this child’s developmental disabilities is completed. (Ideally, he will have been seen by a child clinical or school psychologist, a child psychiatrist, speech and occupational therapists, as well as a pediatric neurologist.) Once the team has met and prepared recommendations for an individual educational plan as well as outside intervention, I would expect a recommendation for an in class aide to work with him at all times. Whether his diagnosis is autism, anything on the autistic spectrum, developmental delay from some other disorder, he does require individual attention in order to be included in a regular classroom program. Both his parents and you are entitled to bring that fact to the attention of the administration and special services team. What is more, the aide should be someone who is trained/experienced in working with special needs children within a regular classroom. You, she, and the special services representative would collectively work out curriculum adaptations that would meet the child where he is and enable him to progress, while also allowing the others to pursue the standard curriculum.  There will be times and some activities which all the children may share; but the expectations for focus and performance will be adjusted for the child with special needs. This often works out very well in the early grades and some such children will ultimately be able to perform in a regular class placement without an aid; while others may need some combination of special and regular class placement.  Each case should be evaluated and reevaluated often to be sure everyone is well served. Oh, and don't worry about what to say to the other children.  At some level, they probably already understand that he has special needs.  Ask the aide how s/he would like to be introduced. Most likely, s/he will suggest calling him/her a "special teacher" or "special helper."  And, in fact, the aide may be a special teacher or asset to the whole classroom.

Aggression and the Power Rangers

Question:  I have several 4-year-old preschoolers who hit, push, kick, and tackle other children.  We are constantly reminding them to keep their hands to themselves.  Their imaginative play always revolves around Power Rangers.  Do you have any ideas, advice, or resources to help deter the children from these aggressive behaviors?  We are in contact with the parents on a regular basis.

Myrna Shure:  One way to redirect this kind of behavior is to gather some Power Ranger figures and let the children create a story together about those figures.  By doing this, you will come to understand what the children are thinking and feeling – that is, whether they are feeling angry and frustrated inside, and lashing out with aggression of their own, or whether they are simply mimicking the actions of their super heroes in ways they think are fun.

Whether genuine anger or merely mimicking behaviors, you can ask questions as: “Why do you think he (point to figure A) likes to hit and kick this guy?” (point to figure B) How do you think (B) feels when (A) does that?”  “Can you think of a new story of something (A) can do or say so (B) won’t feel that way?”  Then, when aggressive behavior actually occurs, you can ask, “What did the Power Ranger do instead of hurting someone?”  Reminding children of a story they created around fictitious characters helps to redirect behavior so they will not want to hurt others, whether it be in fun, or to release genuine anger and frustration. 

If a non-aggressive story is created, you can remind the children of those ideas in real life situations.  Or, you can simply ask, “What do Power Rangers do that will not hurt people that you can do now?”

If it turns out that one or more children in the group feels truly angry or frustrated, or is perhaps, working through fears, you can inform their parents of what you learned in the story they created.  You can then encourage those parents to talk about those feelings with the child, which may open up a form of communication that never existed before.

A Four-Year-Old Who Acts Like a Two-Year-Old

Question: We have a 4-year-old child in our preschool who has been with us for four months.  He acts like a 2 year old.  When he doesn't get his way, he gets hysterical.  He jumps up and down screaming. He has great difficulty focusing on any project, and keeps the class in a constant state of uproar. The teacher has been consistent, trying to get him to use his words.  She has given him words to use, but we seem to make no progress.  What should we do?

Polly Greenberg: Do you have a school counselor, psychologist, psychiatric social worker, or child psychiatrist? Or a short list of available specialists of this sort? Probably an assessment by such a professional is in order.
       
You may want to start by meeting with the child’s parent(s). You can explain that you always like to meet with parents to share your observations about their child and learn what they’ve noticed at home. Point out that you’re a team and the more you share, the more you all can help the child develop optimally.  After making the parents comfortable and talking about neutral matters pertaining to the little boy, describe the behavior that concerns you and ask the parents if they’ve seen this at home.

If they seem surprised or defensive and claim never to have seen anything out of the way with their son, agree with them that all of these behaviors are normal in a young child, but that their frequency and severity concerns you. Let them know that in your experience, this child’s lack of focus, inability to tolerate frustration, and regular hysterical rages are unusual. If, on the other hand, the child’s parents get upset because this behavior is all too familiar to them, be soothing. Either way, tell them you think it’s always important to consult whatever kind of specialist might be helpful in a given situation, whether it’s an orthopedist or a psychiatrist, because part of your job when working with young children is to try to see that possible future problems are nipped in the bud, and because you yourself would appreciate expert guidance.

A Child Who Is Defiant and Doesn't Follow the Rules

Question: I have a 5 year old girl in my preschool classroom who has very defiant behavior.  It’s not usually big things but what she does is disruptive to the rest of the class.  Her behavior ranges from just talking over me during circle time, yelling “no” at me when I ask her to be quiet, to hitting and pushing me and other children.  Nothing I’ve tried has worked long term and the behavior seems to be getting worse.  I am very clear on classroom rules and what is and is not acceptable.  However, she doesn’t seem to have any currency.  I have known her since she was 3.  She has always been this way and appears to “rule the roost” with her parents.  I feel she is trying to control the classroom with her behavior.   Any suggestions?

Myrna Shure: Something going on at home may  trigger this kind of behavior, perhaps too little discipline (this child appears to “rule the roost” with her parents) or discipline that’s too harsh – creating a sense of loss of control, and anger.  Perhaps knowingly, or unknowingly, she may be looking for attention that is lacking at home.  Classroom rules may not meet her needs and give her another reason to rebel.

To help this child feel that her needs are being met, help her think about why the rules are in place, and the impact of her behavior on others.  Ask her why she thinks we have a particular rule.  You can guide her to think about this by asking, “If we didn’t have this rule, what might happen in this room?”  Then ask, “How might you feel if that happens?”  Asking her about her feelings will, in time, help her to believe that people really care.  She may not answer these questions immediately, but you’re planting a seed for building empathy. Once she is in tune with talking about her own feelings, you can ask her how the child she hits or pushes feels about that.  You can also ask, “How do you think I feel when you say ‘no’ or talk over circle time?” etc.    Once she is comfortable with talking about her own and others’ feelings, including yours, you can ask one simple question:  “Can you think of a different way to talk to me?”  “Can you think of a different way to tell (Chrystal) what you want?” “Can you think of a different way you can sit at circle time)?” etc.   

These kinds of questions will help this child take healthy control over what she does and says, feel better about herself, and lessen her need to take control of others. 

Mom Teaching at Son's Preschool

Question: I teach at my son’s preschool.  It’s his first year at this school and my first year back to work, which may play a big part in his difficulty. I am really torn by the fact that he isn’t connecting to any of the children yet and asks me to help him find friends to play with during recess. I want to help him and yet I have a job to do. At his last school, he had a best buddy whom we still keep in touch with; but so far, no one here. This is a heartbreaker for me. Any thoughts?

Adele Brodkin: You describe several dilemmas, any one of which would be challenging enough.  What’s more, it is difficult to unravel the issues that are intertwined.  I agree it is a big challenge for a child to start a new school; it is also a challenge for a preschooler’s mother to be returning to work and focusing on work needs, and in this case, “so near and yet so far.” You must be concerned about succeeding, being able to balance home and family, being fair to all the children, and pleasing your employer as well as nurturing your child.

While on the one hand, you might feel comfortable knowing your son is close by, the dual role you must play seems to be too stressful for both of you. Let me reassure you that if your son were placed (for next year) in a different program, there might be a great deal more ease for all. I don’t know whether the school he’s now attending (where you teach) allows a tuition perk and that’s the main reason for his being there; but he may not be ready to share you. Things might work out better for all concerned if, when you and your son are together, you can focus totally on him. In the meantime, try to guide him socially, as you would any other child who asked for your help in making friends.

Violence in a Kindergarten Classroom

Question: I am teaching kindergarten for the first time, and it has been scary. The children I teach are in a low-income and low-parent involvement area. I had no idea five and six year olds could be so intentionally horrible towards each other. When I try to involve parents in working on their child’s behavior they don’t seem to do anything at all—so the kids are not concerned about any consequences at home. As a teacher, there is only so much I can do to manage their behavior.  What would you suggest?

Adele Brodkin: You are absolutely correct in saying that as a single teacher working alone in a classroom with children who create chaos and who see no reason to alter their behavior, you are helpless.  As things stand for you now, you have little recourse other than to run a tight ship, doing your best to prevent tragedy with the aid of your administration.  But this is not only not the way it ought to be, it doesn’t have to continue and won’t, if you can join with other teachers and administrators to design a school wide program that will turn chaos into cooperation, in support of safety and learning. 

Until Dr. James Comer of Yale University’s Child Study Center designed and implemented a program called the “Comer School Development Program” in New Haven, the schools there were precisely as you describe yours. Parents caught up in the all-consuming effort to keep their own heads above water mistrusted the schools. Chaos reigned. There is no time or space here to describe what Dr. Comer’s programs have been able to achieve in New Haven and around the country, but I strongly recommend that you read online about the Comer School Development Program, and partnering with your colleagues and administration, contact the Comer School Development program (203-737-1020) to see how your school can participate. There is also something called the School Development Program’s Leadership Academies, through which selected members of interested district’s faculty and administration are trained to carry out this program.

There is no quick fix for what ails your classroom. But you put your finger on the central issue—how to enlist the parents’ support.  The Comer program is designed for precisely that. Google James P. Comer and make that phone call to get all the info you can.  No on line expert can provide the ongoing help your kids need with a few words. Thank you for caring enough about these families to pursue a program that does work.

Can Classmates Be Too Strongly Attached?

Question: I teach kindergarten, and a new girl recently joined our classroom.  She has developed a very strong attachment to a boy who is also in my class. Today they were holding hands and hugging. I know that I need to intervene, but I am a new teacher, and I am unsure of how to address this issue properly. Can you advise me, please?

Polly Greenberg: It is important for you to intervene if the boy is upset by the new girl’s enthusiastic friendship or if the child’s frequent intense interaction is interfering when you’re trying to read a story, present a brief lesson, or have a discussion with the group. I’d use the situation as a discussion topic, without naming anyone in particular. I’d begin by talking with the children (back and forth, not a lecture) about how good it feels to have friends. You might ask the children to name some things friends do together, how you know when someone is your friend, things like that.

Someone will surely say that friends hug, hold hands, and so on. Here’s your opportunity! You can happily agree, then point out that there are some times when we’re busy; these aren’t good times for hugging and hand holding. Encourage the children to figure out what such occasions might be – rest time, lunch time, group time, etc.

If, after this conversation, the girl and boy display their affection for each other during activities from which you don’t want other children distracted, take the two aside and remind them of what was discussed. “This isn’t a hugging time. You can give him/her a hug after we (do whatever).” End with, “It’s great that you two like each other so much.” Also, sometimes pair each of them with other partners so they — especially the new girl — can make different friends. Who knows, maybe she’s using this fellow as a “security blanket” as she enters your new world and will soon branch out.

Helping a Child Who Misses His Father

Question: I have a 4-year-old boy in my class who is being raised by his mom. The little boy sometimes misses his dad, and he talks about him sometimes with great sadness.  I’ve spoken to the mother and she says the child hasn't seen his dad in two years.  What can I do to support this child when the topic of his dad comes up?

Polly: No child wants to feel different. It’s important for every teacher, regardless of her personal views, to emphasize to all children that families come in many sizes, colors, and shapes. Without speaking to or about any individual child, we can frequently mention this fact and expand upon it whenever appropriate — perhaps when reading a relevant story. I once overheard this marvelous conversation between two four year olds:

        “Where’s your daddy?”
        “I don’t have a daddy.”
        “Everybody has a daddy.”
        “Well, I don’t.”
        “Where is he?” the interrogator continued.
        “Where’s your brother?” asked the annoyed recipient of the daddy question. 
        “I don’t have a brother.”
        “Well, I don’t have a daddy.” End of conversation.

It’s good to develop a comfortable relationship with your children’s parents. When talking with this boy’s mother, you might want to say that sometimes the subject of fathers comes up and her son seems sad. Ask if the mother sees this. Say you want to support her in whatever she says to her child about his dad. Is he in the military? In prison? Does he have problems (substance abuse, mental illness) that prevent him from showing his son love? You can help by making the little guy feel less different. Assure him that he’s a great kid, that there’s nothing wrong with him, but his daddy can’t be with him now because [a simple statement that’s true]. Saying something like, “Everybody has a dad who helped make him, but not everybody lives with his dad or sees him very much. Maybe when you’re older you’ll see more of your dad. I know you’d like that.” Always offer hope, but never promise. Above all, make his days with you happy days.

A Child Who Snatches Toys and Hits Others

Question:  I have a 4-year-old child in my classroom who is constantly snatching toys and hitting her friends, but she has moments when she is nice to them.  Can you tell me why she is hitting even though I’ve given her time out countless times?

Myrna Shure:  This child may be hitting and snatching toys for a variety of possible reasons, including the possibility that she is overpowered at home, and has a need to regain that power by controlling other children.  When you give her a time-out, are you doing it as a punishment or as a genuine calming down period? Time out can be an effective strategy in certain circumstances, but in this situation, if it’s being used as a punishment and the child feels overpowered (the very feeling she is trying to escape), there may be a better strategy. Here’s how you can help this child. 

Help her build empathy toward the child whose toy she is snatching, or hitting.   Then help her think of different ways to get what she wants, or if needed, to cope with the frustration if she can’t have what she wants.  Engage her in the decision-making process, with questions as follows:

What’s the problem?
How do you think ___ feels when you do that?
What happened next?
How did you feel when that happened?
Can you think of something different to do so you both won’t feel that way, and that won’t happen?

With this kind of dialogue, this child will likely engage in more positive behaviors because she feels empowered, not overpowered.  And asking how she felt ensures that the child gets the message that you care how she feels. That question sets the stage for empathy, because children cannot be genuinely interested in how others feel if their own needs aren’t satisfied.  Once children feel empathy, they are less likely to want to hurt others, thus reducing the need to be told what to do, or sent to time out.