A Child Who Doesn't Listen

Question: There is a child in my group who often refuses to listen, and nothing I do seems to help. What do I do?

Myrna Shure: Not listening can refer to refusing to do what asked, that is, intentional ignoring your requests, or it can refer to not paying attention.  For refusing to do what asked, you can ask, “How do you think I feel when you don’t listen to me?”  “What can you do so I won’t feel that way?”  You can also ask, “Can you answer in a way so I’ll know you heard me?”  These are questions the child is not used to, and these positive ways will likely get a response.

Shifting to a positive approach can help.  Whether intentional ignoring or not paying attention, start with a game that I have found children as young as age four love to play.  Bring a small group of children together.  Say “We’re going to play a game called the What Do We Like game.”  Start with a child who listens well, and say, “I’m going to name 5 things that make me feel happy, and you have to listen carefully and remember them.  I like strawberries, jewelry, flowers, fruit, and when my children listen to me.  Now you tell me what five things I just said.”  Let the child repeat them (other children can help, if needed).  Now ask the child to name five things that makes him happy.  Children beam because now the teacher has to remember what they say.  Now bring the child who doesn’t listen to the front and repeat the game with that child, with you first naming 5 things and then the child.  Ask the group, “If I were not listening, could I remember what (_____) said?  If (_____) were not listening, could he remember what I said?” 

When this child is really not listening, you can remind him of the “What Do We Like game.”  One teacher, noticing a child was not listening simply said, “I like strawberries.”  Remembering that game and the fun they had playing it stopped him in his tracks, he smiled, and that was the end of that.  This approach may help this child listen too.

An Exceptionally Creative Three-Year-Old

Question: A three year old in my preschool class “marches to a different drummer.” He is a prolific role player, with roles as diverse as an orchestra conductor, a basketball referee, or an artist who makes windmills or flags. He arrives at preschool with his “role” firmly in mind.  We teachers are not able to redirect his attention to group activities. He insists on being called by his current role’s title.   We have indulged him on that, but he becomes very uncooperative, crying, upset, pleading, if our planned task is not related in some way to the role he is playing. He does not play cooperatively with other children. We want to allow his creativity and different interests, but when we do not play along, he is very uncooperative. We’ve tried all our “bells and whistles” — choices, rewards, but he is incredibly focused on his own agenda.

At a special Saturday session, he decided he would only play basketball, rather than make a Mothers’ Day gift with his Dad. Should we just give him lots of solo free play and wait for maturity and self control to bring compliance?  How can we help this family?

Adele Brodkin: I know his determination is exasperating, but what an interesting child! (Easy for me to say: I am not trying to manage his classroom!) As you recognize, he is wonderfully imaginative and creative. That really does bode well for him, but adults in his world may need to adjust their plans for a time, allowing this little guy to take the play-time lead.  There are ways that you may be able to add a dose of flexibility to his mind set. Why not try to invite and incorporate some other children or even the class at large into his fantasy world and see where it goes? I suspect you can do some negotiating with him. For example, “It sounds like fun. We will all be the orchestra members for you to conduct. Tell us what instruments we should each pretend to play. And then later, someone else will have a turn to pick a game.”  Here is the tricky part — persuading this determined little guy that now it is time for someone else (teacher or child) to have a turn selecting an activity. I am reminded of children who have announced imaginary companions who must “participate” in every family and school activity. Those children too have an imagination that “rules,” so a little gentle bargaining is often necessary along with compromise on all sides. In the case of the imaginary companion, it is virtually always for a self-limited time — days, weeks, or months, but not forever. I am hoping the situation will be similar with your boy who is currently enthralled with his own imagination. If not, or if weeks or months is just too long in your classroom, a gentle intervention, starting with a parent-conference and any opportunity for you to get some insight into why he feels he must be “in control” might help you to cajole him into classroom cooperation.

A child like this, with a very strong sense of his own pretend identity, is going to have a hard time putting that aside for something called “Mothers’ Day” — which really means nothing to him at his age.   The average three year old will comply because the teacher is the boss, but that doesn’t make “Mothers’ Day” truly meaningful at such a young age. Try to be patient and guide him gently without allowing a power struggle.  I think the benefits might be worth it.

A Disruptive Group in the Classroom

Question: I teach PreK in Georgia and have 4 boys that drive me "crazy"! There are some diagnosed learning disabilities, but my main problem is that they tend to feed off each other and before you know it I have two classes - the 16 that are listening and performing and the 4 that are having a free for all. I've tried separation, (only works for a few minutes) time outs (only works if they are ALL in time out in separate areas), and talking to them about making good choices and not copying someone who is not, but nothing seems to work.  I feel badly for them because they are not progressing well with our curriculum and also for the rest of the class because the assistant teacher and I are so frustrated that I don't believe I'm giving them the proper attention.  Any suggestions to a very complex and difficult situation? Oh, 3 of the 4 are also second language learners, but all different languages!

Polly Greenberg: You worry because you may not be giving your four difficult little boys proper attention. Of course the definition of “proper attention” differs from child to child. You mention that the others “listen,” “perform,” and “progress with the curriculum.” It doesn’t seem that the attention these four guys need from you relates to sitting, listening, performing, and progressing with a set curriculum. So what do they need?

No teacher wants a free for all and to be driven crazy, but I would guess that if you change your goals and program for this quartet, there will be less chaos and no crazy grown-ups. 

1. Whether because they’re immature for age four, live in crowded or cramped conditions, have been medically diagnosed as hyperactive (a grossly over-used term), or are simply high energy live wires—probably one or two of these explanations fits one of the children, and another fits another—they clearly need lots of space, actually and emotionally.

If it were my class, I’d ask the assistant to spend a generous hour every day with the boys outside, in the gym, or in the rainy day exercise room, whatever your school has, so they could enjoy running, rough and tumble play, climbing, leaping, and all the other gross muscle (and  noisy) activities young boys usually love. (This in addition to outdoor time the whole class has.) I  would emphasize that this is good for them, that it’s an important part of school for them. If  yours is an all day program, I would repeat this in the afternoon. After all, until recently, most children of this age were at home in large yards, on the farm, at the park, or on city streets moving freely (and shouting loudly).   

2. On and off during the day, I would ask my assistant to supervise activities the other children are engaged in and, in a secluded spot, I would spend ten minutes reading a simple, engrossing story to one of the bouncy boys at a time, repeating a few key words each time, as learning to like books and learning English are both important. The three not being read to could be paired with calm, mature children and the partners could be assigned to separate, interesting learning centers.

3. I would recruit a volunteer to work daily, in an out-of-the-way spot, on English as a second language with each of the children who don’t speak much English. Consult an ESL teacher about appropriate lessons for four-year-olds. You might need three volunteers. Surely someone speaks their languages!

Try these actions, which should help significantly. Then we can talk about other things you may want to try.

Putting a Stop to Copy-Cat Behavior

Question:  How do you stop copy cat behavior?  When one student misbehaves and gets consequences, other students, thinking it’s ok to be put in time out or sent outside the classroom, start imitating the behavior they have seen.  What can you do?

Myrna Shure:  Sometimes children imitate misbehavior of others just to see how far they can go, testing the limits, even if what they do gets them into trouble.  For some, copying misbehavior may be their way of getting attention, and to them, negative attention is better than what they may perceive as not enough attention.  If it’s one particular child the group is imitating, it is possible that they believe the “ring leader” will like them and want to be their friend if they do what she does – regardless of the consequences.  It is even possible that a group dynamic is at play here, where one child imitating another “catches on” with other members of the group.

You can try a game I created called “The SAME-or-DIFFERENT Game.”  First, perform a motion such as patting your head.  Then pat your head again.  Ask, “Did I do the SAME thing or something DIFFERENT?”  “Let’s all do the SAME thing.”  Now say, “Let’s all do something DIFFERENT.”  You can show some examples such as stamping your foot.  Next time a child imitates misbehavior, you can remind him of this game and ask, “Can you think of something DIFFERENT to do now?”  Most children simply smile and that’s all that needs to be said.

If the problem is deeper, such as thinking that’s how she’ll make friends, you can ask, “Can you think of a DIFFERENT way to show (name child) that you want to be her friend?’ 

You can also introduce feelings, by asking, “Can you think of something DIFFERENT to do that will make (name a child) feel happy?  These kinds of techniques will help children who have a need to copy others, at least copy positive pro- social behaviors.  In time, they will come to see the benefits and perform those behaviors on their own.

A Four-Year-Old Who Acts Like a Two-Year-Old

Question: We have a 4-year-old child in our preschool who has been with us for four months.  He acts like a 2 year old.  When he doesn't get his way, he gets hysterical.  He jumps up and down screaming. He has great difficulty focusing on any project, and keeps the class in a constant state of uproar. The teacher has been consistent, trying to get him to use his words.  She has given him words to use, but we seem to make no progress.  What should we do?

Polly Greenberg: Do you have a school counselor, psychologist, psychiatric social worker, or child psychiatrist? Or a short list of available specialists of this sort? Probably an assessment by such a professional is in order.
       
You may want to start by meeting with the child’s parent(s). You can explain that you always like to meet with parents to share your observations about their child and learn what they’ve noticed at home. Point out that you’re a team and the more you share, the more you all can help the child develop optimally.  After making the parents comfortable and talking about neutral matters pertaining to the little boy, describe the behavior that concerns you and ask the parents if they’ve seen this at home.

If they seem surprised or defensive and claim never to have seen anything out of the way with their son, agree with them that all of these behaviors are normal in a young child, but that their frequency and severity concerns you. Let them know that in your experience, this child’s lack of focus, inability to tolerate frustration, and regular hysterical rages are unusual. If, on the other hand, the child’s parents get upset because this behavior is all too familiar to them, be soothing. Either way, tell them you think it’s always important to consult whatever kind of specialist might be helpful in a given situation, whether it’s an orthopedist or a psychiatrist, because part of your job when working with young children is to try to see that possible future problems are nipped in the bud, and because you yourself would appreciate expert guidance.

Aggression and the Power Rangers

Question:  I have several 4-year-old preschoolers who hit, push, kick, and tackle other children.  We are constantly reminding them to keep their hands to themselves.  Their imaginative play always revolves around Power Rangers.  Do you have any ideas, advice, or resources to help deter the children from these aggressive behaviors?  We are in contact with the parents on a regular basis.

Myrna Shure:  One way to redirect this kind of behavior is to gather some Power Ranger figures and let the children create a story together about those figures.  By doing this, you will come to understand what the children are thinking and feeling – that is, whether they are feeling angry and frustrated inside, and lashing out with aggression of their own, or whether they are simply mimicking the actions of their super heroes in ways they think are fun.

Whether genuine anger or merely mimicking behaviors, you can ask questions as: “Why do you think he (point to figure A) likes to hit and kick this guy?” (point to figure B) How do you think (B) feels when (A) does that?”  “Can you think of a new story of something (A) can do or say so (B) won’t feel that way?”  Then, when aggressive behavior actually occurs, you can ask, “What did the Power Ranger do instead of hurting someone?”  Reminding children of a story they created around fictitious characters helps to redirect behavior so they will not want to hurt others, whether it be in fun, or to release genuine anger and frustration. 

If a non-aggressive story is created, you can remind the children of those ideas in real life situations.  Or, you can simply ask, “What do Power Rangers do that will not hurt people that you can do now?”

If it turns out that one or more children in the group feels truly angry or frustrated, or is perhaps, working through fears, you can inform their parents of what you learned in the story they created.  You can then encourage those parents to talk about those feelings with the child, which may open up a form of communication that never existed before.

Violence in a Kindergarten Classroom

Question: I am teaching kindergarten for the first time, and it has been scary. The children I teach are in a low-income and low-parent involvement area. I had no idea five and six year olds could be so intentionally horrible towards each other. When I try to involve parents in working on their child’s behavior they don’t seem to do anything at all—so the kids are not concerned about any consequences at home. As a teacher, there is only so much I can do to manage their behavior.  What would you suggest?

Adele Brodkin: You are absolutely correct in saying that as a single teacher working alone in a classroom with children who create chaos and who see no reason to alter their behavior, you are helpless.  As things stand for you now, you have little recourse other than to run a tight ship, doing your best to prevent tragedy with the aid of your administration.  But this is not only not the way it ought to be, it doesn’t have to continue and won’t, if you can join with other teachers and administrators to design a school wide program that will turn chaos into cooperation, in support of safety and learning. 

Until Dr. James Comer of Yale University’s Child Study Center designed and implemented a program called the “Comer School Development Program” in New Haven, the schools there were precisely as you describe yours. Parents caught up in the all-consuming effort to keep their own heads above water mistrusted the schools. Chaos reigned. There is no time or space here to describe what Dr. Comer’s programs have been able to achieve in New Haven and around the country, but I strongly recommend that you read online about the Comer School Development Program, and partnering with your colleagues and administration, contact the Comer School Development program (203-737-1020) to see how your school can participate. There is also something called the School Development Program’s Leadership Academies, through which selected members of interested district’s faculty and administration are trained to carry out this program.

There is no quick fix for what ails your classroom. But you put your finger on the central issue—how to enlist the parents’ support.  The Comer program is designed for precisely that. Google James P. Comer and make that phone call to get all the info you can.  No on line expert can provide the ongoing help your kids need with a few words. Thank you for caring enough about these families to pursue a program that does work.

A Child Who Snatches Toys and Hits Others

Question:  I have a 4-year-old child in my classroom who is constantly snatching toys and hitting her friends, but she has moments when she is nice to them.  Can you tell me why she is hitting even though I’ve given her time out countless times?

Myrna Shure:  This child may be hitting and snatching toys for a variety of possible reasons, including the possibility that she is overpowered at home, and has a need to regain that power by controlling other children.  When you give her a time-out, are you doing it as a punishment or as a genuine calming down period? Time out can be an effective strategy in certain circumstances, but in this situation, if it’s being used as a punishment and the child feels overpowered (the very feeling she is trying to escape), there may be a better strategy. Here’s how you can help this child. 

Help her build empathy toward the child whose toy she is snatching, or hitting.   Then help her think of different ways to get what she wants, or if needed, to cope with the frustration if she can’t have what she wants.  Engage her in the decision-making process, with questions as follows:

What’s the problem?
How do you think ___ feels when you do that?
What happened next?
How did you feel when that happened?
Can you think of something different to do so you both won’t feel that way, and that won’t happen?

With this kind of dialogue, this child will likely engage in more positive behaviors because she feels empowered, not overpowered.  And asking how she felt ensures that the child gets the message that you care how she feels. That question sets the stage for empathy, because children cannot be genuinely interested in how others feel if their own needs aren’t satisfied.  Once children feel empathy, they are less likely to want to hurt others, thus reducing the need to be told what to do, or sent to time out. 

Helping Children Who Won't Talk

Question: How do I help two twins that don't talk at all?  They point to tell me what they want or I get a blank stare.  The parents keep saying they talk at home.  This is the second year at the preschool. I just found out that they do talk at home as I saw video of them at home.

Adele Brodkin: I am glad to hear that the twins do talk at home, and hopefully, their language development is close to age appropriate. It is very common for twins to have some delay in gaining age appropriate facility with their native language, and even to have a special substitute language which is used only with each other in these early years. Even their parents may not understand what they are saying to each other.  Some experts suggest that twin-ship slows down the need to communicate other than with each other.

I would suggest that you try "tricking them into talking". Here's an example of what I mean: assuming they know their colors, hold up a crayon or a lollypop of a given color for one twin at a time, in private. Make it clear that naming the color will be rewarded by your handing over the desired object; or you might do something comparable with the naming of a desired toy or game.  You would know whether it is food or toys or privileges that are most tempting to these two. There are various games you might think of that similarly reward speaking.

Also, try to encourage each to play with kids other than each other or at least in addition to each other.  We sometimes see one twin who is the spokesperson for both. If you occasionally guide them toward different "teams" or different activities, allowing one twin to take over becomes less of an option.

Be patient, but if months go by without some progress toward speaking even single words in school, gently suggest to the parents that they consider a referral to a speech therapist.